Joke Of The Day

Do You Still Know Your Math?

Kentucky Math



Abbott and Costello - Math


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New "Yesterday" Lyrics

NEW LYRICS TO BEATLES SONGS - "YESTERDAY"

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be.
And there's a milestone hanging over me.
The system crashed, so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong,
What it was, I could not say.

Now all my data's gone,
And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

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Comprehending Engineers

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?"asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Lesson: Don't bother to drop even the most obvious hint, they can't catch anyway. (This is a reality! If you don't believe, test them!)


Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,"What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us ? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Lesson: No emotions please, only practicality works here.


Comprehending Engineers - Take Three

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark -- $1
Knowing where to put it -- $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.


Comprehending Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
(and Chemical Engineers build targets that explode really well... chemical plants, refineries, etc)

Lesson: They build and build and build and build and... to compliment one another.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah.

If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


Comprehending Engineers - Take Six

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out,"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that's cool!


Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders and dropping the tape measures. The whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length."


Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Lesson: There is no philosophy to talk about but calculations and calculations...


Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine

Engineers think equations are an approximation of reality.
Physicists think reality is an approximation of the equations.
Mathematicians never make the connection.


Comprehending Engineers - The Engineering Approach

Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do. The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.

He continued, "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around."

... engineers are generally famous for their understanding of and attention to others' feelings...


Comprehending Engineers - The Original Designer

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designer of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Lesson: All of them have their own theories. None for believing!


Comprehending Engineers - Engineers and Accountants

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."


Comprehending Engineers - Software Completion

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Software Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

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Joke Time

A short story of a Filipino boy in school.

It was the first day of school in Washington, DC and a new student named Dagohoy, the son of a Filipino immigrant, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher began, "Let's review some American history, class. Who said
'Give me liberty or give me death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Dagohoy's who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good," said the teacher.

"Who said 'Government of the people, by the people,and for the people shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Dagohoy:
"Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg, 1863," he said.

The teacher snaps at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed, Dagohoy who
is new to our country knows more about our history than you do."

She hears a loud whisper from the back: "Screw the Filipinos." "Who said that?" she demanded. Dagohoy put his hand up.
"General John Pershing, Manila, 1896."

At that point, Jack, another student says, "I'm going to puke."

The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now who said that?" Again Dagohoy answers, "George Bush, Sr. to the Japanese Prime Minister during the state dinner, Tokyo, 1991."

Now furious another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!!" Dagohoy jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher at the top of his voice,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, the Oval Office, 1997!!"

Someone shouts, "You little shit if you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Dagohoy yells, "Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, Washington, D.C., 2001!"

The teacher faints. "I'm outta here!" mutters one student as he sidles to the door.
"President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Baguio City, December 30, 2002!!" Dagohoy responds.

As the class gathers around her on the floor, someone says, "Oh shit, now we're really in big trouble!"
"Saddam Hussein, on the Iraq invasion, Bhagdad, May 2003!" Dagohoy bellowed.

"Now, I really have to run," Jack mutters, heading for the exit.,
"Gloria Macapagal Arroyo again, Pampanga, October 4, 2003!!!" Dagohoy shouts
triumphantly jumping with glee.

Then a burly African-American boy grabbed Dagohoy and strangled him, about to give a fistful to a frightened Dagohoy.

Then an Asian boy stood up and shouted, "Hey easy on him. I'M A FILIPINO!"
Dagohoy then blurted out before he got socked out,
"Fernando Poe, Jr. Manila, January 2004!!!


Here's another one...

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students, the teacher asked the boy, "What is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The Teacher had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office.

While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he has to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think this boy can go to the third-grade. "

The teacher says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?"

The principal and the boy both agreed.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Boy: after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher : "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."

Teacher : "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy: Coconut

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck

Teacher: What is it that all men have one of, it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME

Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?
Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher:

"SEND THIS BOY TO COLLEGE!, I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTIONS WRONG MYSELF !"

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